THE BIGGEST CHANGE
Updated: May 11
From a fair young age I ate healthily, big meals but healthy, enough anyway. I had to finish what was on my plate, wether I wanted dessert or not like. Was brought up as a vegetarian for the first fifteen years of my life until I tried sausage on a school trip to Berlin, yes the locals love that story. Always have and always will have a huge place in my heart for pizza, that shit’s in my blood.
Up until about three weeks ago, I’d spent the last 8 years comfort eating. Enjoying food way too much and just kinda passing it off as I’ll burn it off at work no worries. My metabolism has been far too kind to this young lady, no stomach pains, weight gain or lack of energy. I kinda blame it on having no treats in the house when I was a kid, no coke, sweets, crisps or chocolate. So I’d take it out on the Post office on the way to and from school, sugar carbs all day and three fairly full meals in between. I was happy eating crap cause it wasn’t available at home, I’d just realised I could have treats all day every day! This eating behaviour just continued until my body had had enough and started to put me through a shite mental state, lethargic stuffy naps, bloating, grim stomach pains and no effort in my mind or body to get up and do anything! Cannot believe how much this kills your drive in life, I would have been fucked if it wasn’t for my metabolism finally fuckin me over after years of abuse.
Between 2016-2018, I’d put on 2 stone. I’m now 12’5 stone. The locals at the pub with their ace little beer bellies don’t weigh much more than me. People always give me that ‘Ohh its cause you’re tall’ bollocks, I do appreciate it to be fair but I’ve gotta face it like, I don’t look after myself therefore what can I expect. I feel proper sick when I clock myself in a mirror nowadays, I gotta wear black cause thats the thinnest I’ll possibly look in any outfit choice, and its gotta be two sizes too big so I dunna look like I’m bursting out of it like I do with my old clothes.
Nothing fits I’m a fucking whale like. I get anxious to go out in public incase someone I know see’s me and thinks ‘fuck me she’s put on a few’. Cause lets face it its piss easy to look three sizes smaller on Insta, I’ve been trying to hide my new coat for about two years now but there’s no hiding double chins when you’re 5’10. Had a weird phase of trying to contour my chin but I’ve never been able to workout make up, I can hope for the best with me brows n eyeliner but thats all you’re getting, dunna get me started on outfits christ on a bike.
It’s easy to find things to hate about yourself when you’re a young girl it’s just standard, but when you actually cannot find somethin you like about yourself I reckon thats when you’ve gotta change. Insta is the fuckin worst for self conscious thoughts, comparing yourself all damn day to these tiny fuckers with facetune. I’ve never seen anybody in real life look as skinny or tanned or ridiculously raz as people do all the time on Insta. It’s madness. My dad makes comments about my weight, has done for a while to be fair, I don’t wanna change my lifestyle for him, I wanna do it for myself. If anythin I’d wanna put on tonnes of weight and make him walk around with me in a public place, see how embarrassed he’d get with a ‘fatty’, bet you a tenner he’d walk ten yards in front of me like. Anyway- this shite is for another post.
I wanna prove that I can enjoy myself for once, I wanna be proud of myself and not feel anxious as fuck walking past a queue of traffic wondering what they’re thinking of my thighs or hair or chubby face etc. Pisser cause they proper couldn’t give a shit could they, most humans are out for themselves! I wanna take my baggy t shirt off and show myself off to my handsome fella and not be covering everything and breathing in all the time. Men naturally look at the most beautiful parts of women, I need to remember this and just smile about it cause I’m lucky enough to have a dude who loves me for whatever I look like. He wants me smiling and thats exactly how I want him.
Three weeks ago, I got recommended to go see a dude called Henry. He specialises in hypnosis therapy, changing the way certain parts of the brain work, reversing patterns and emotional association. Henry is an absolute geezer, after an hour’s session I just no longer felt the need to eat out of comfort, I only eat when I’m hungry and even then, my stomach is believed to be the size of a golf ball. I only eat a small amount and now it’s much better foods than I used to eat, I no longer eat much at all of the foods that used to make me bloated and knackered. I can just have a chillin little plate of boiled eggs n salad and I don’t think about food again for another five or six hours. This procedure is called virtual gastric band therapy, no more comfort eating, just three small meals a day or healthier foods. I’m kinda put off bread and carby stuff I used to fill up on, I just want the food thats gonna make me feel good!
Its been three weeks of eating pretty much nothing, I used to be so envious of those people who ‘just forgot’ to eat. What the heck like its all I used to think about, I wanted to just be comfortable and full. The vicious circle of feeling shite and then eating shite to feel better but made me again feel like shite was just so difficult to break out of. In the first week I just ate less and did what Henry had told me to do. Leaving half of your plate full has never felt so natural. The last two weeks I’ve done the same again but I’ve put all of my extra energy into exercise! Youtube workouts like arm, abs and legs with no equipment cause I’m skint and cant join a local gym. I’ve also bought an exercise bike that counts calories! It’s literally my new favourite thing to do, GOOD THINGS COME TO THOSE WHO SWEAT.
It’s only been three weeks and there’s absolutely no change on the scales YET. But oh my days I feel so fuckin good about myself already. I feel toned I feel confident in my own body. I don’t feel like I need to breathe in as much. I have so much more energy to enjoy my days with, I can go to work and feel ready and energised for the day. Any spare half an hour in my day I’m just like yeah quick fit a lil workout in! Hooked on that knackered feeling after you’ve cooled down and you proper deserve a rest and to sleep better and look better. My mental health is a lot better like I feel like there’s more reason to laugh every day. Just cant wait for the big results to start being noticeable, I already want to wear clothes than actually fit me and I even got my arms out on Saturday night for once!!!
Wish me luck I’ll hopefully be back with before/after photos in a few weeks!!!!