Updated: May 11, 2020

Have you ever been in a situation you’d usually be enjoying and thought 'how come I'm not enjoying this like I’m supposed to? Or like I used to? Or like everybody else seems to be?'

I’m at a gig and I’m waiting to go home. The band sound really good, but I’m in my own head. I seem to be concentrating on my aching knee’s, my urge to go outside for a smoke, my anxiety to go back to my comfort zone, my tickles of hunger because its been at least half an hour since I last ate and it distracts me. I'm struggling to understand what my problem is and why I'm such a negative little pr***.

Before my college years I stood at gigs for hours without any aches, hunger or hangover doubts. I used to drink and dance with no problem. However during college, I used to get so nervous for any kind of event, I wouldn’t be able to eat beforehand and actually ended up fainting once. I’ve had panic attacks at gigs before, once in Lille, France I was seeing Miles Kane supporting Arctic Monkeys, back in my blonde haired college days. The days where I carried the most anxiety I’ve known, I used to get a lot of water infections which made me panic to go into college incase the pains/sensations began and I wasn’t near a bathroom. I threw up before college most days and hated it once I was in there, the canteen was a beacon of strange stares and side eyes from girls I didn’t recognise. I missed the comfort zone that was high school and living with my brothers at home.

My older brother who was with me on the spontaneous trip to France was on the front row whilst I hung back from the busy odour of people just incase I fainted and caused a scene. I thought about how far away from home we were, how dark it was in this arena, how hot it was inside, my breathing became quite heavy so I tried to ignore it. I wanted to force myself to enjoy it carefree like everyone else. It used to panic me more that nobody else appeared to feel how I felt. I closed my eyes and swayed to my favourite songs at the time, this attempt to boogie my anxiety away just backfired ‘cause before I knew it I threw up big time on the floor in front of me, and again, and again but this time splashing on the French guy’s shit flickers to the left of me, he instantly jumped back out of the way. I stood catching my breathe back when a security guard came to help and guided me to the medical room where I answered a few questions, I think they understood it was a panic attack and I needed to eat something and drink plenty of water after I’d explained I’d not drank anything alcoholic and I hadn’t taken anything. My mind was bouncing off the walls with its own anxieties never mind if I messed it about with narcotics.

My English is poor never mind any French, we had a little laugh when I showed the nurses my emergency Minstrels and I was on my way with a plastic cup of water. One minstrel at a time I found my brother after the last song and found our way back to the hotel. I don’t remember it being a bad night, I remember those panicky sensations but mainly those butterflies I used to get for Alex Turner. I remember my own mind coming back once I'd been ill on that man's shoes; I felt confident and carefree again, I sang my ass off to that last song and felt all of the positive, excited emotions I should have been feeling the whole time! Not sure to this day how my mind worked that evening. Was it hours of anxiety thrown up and forgotten? Was I just that happy to be alive after that horrendous attack of survival?

There were so many more positives to negatives I promise you but the mind remembers what it wants. Most gigs were ace, Busted when I was about ten? Was pure happiness. Leeds festival was terrifying at seventeen but definitely a hilarious one to remember and would do all over again in a heartbeat.

This is now SEVEN years later, a lot of those anxieties have been left behind due to learning how to handle thoughts over time as well as understanding and surviving through many more terrifying situations. I still carry bad thoughts which are mainly due to that whirlwind of stress (understatement) aka, the pressures of your twenties and not knowing what my plan is supposed to be.

‘Heal’ on Netflix is definitely worth a watch, this educates us on how powerful the mind actually is. Specifically when it comes to illnesses and how much positive thinking and breathing techniques can help to heal your mind. The term of phrase I hate to hear the most is ‘its all in your head’, because yes genius unfortunately it is all in our heads, its figuring out how to train whats ‘in our heads’ that will save us from these panic attacks, severe paranoia, stress and depression etc. How our minds interpret things can decide on how we are effected mentally and psychically. Our mind understands what it wants to of a situation or thought process, and then tells us how to react accordingly.

The mind can be as much an enemy as it can be a friend. Our minds create situations in our heads that may have never happened in the first place. In my head I’ve had endless amounts of negative things thought and said about me. I really struggle with the thought of what people might think about me on a daily basis. I have never been able to stop my mind from making these negative opinions up about myself. Its common to overthink and get wound up about something that was never even said. These self doubts and criticisms carry huge weights over our minds.

I’m going to learn what I need to do and which breathing techniques to exercise in order to help change the negative thought processes into positive ones. I want to go to an event and not wait to go home.

Everything is going to be okay, if your friends and family love you then thats all the gratification you need. My personal email is at the bottom of the page if anybody needs help today or tomorrow.